How I learned to be a Flower

by Marija Milacic, Editor in Chief and Managing Editor of Sensa magazine

English translation:

How I learned to be a Flower

„The mind is empty in essence. Although empty, everything constantly arises in it.“ The Third Gyalwang Karmapa, Songs of Karmapa 

When we look at a flower, the first thing we do is to name it. Our gaze wanders across the meadow, and our thoughts form words in the mind: 'Red flower, purple flower, yellow flower, ah, there's a tree too, another tree, a huuuuge tree...' And so the flower ceases to be an experience happening to us and becomes an object, a thing, a plant - devoid of its being, the flower becomes just a concept - a noun. Like clouds covering the sky, our thoughts can be light and fluffy or leaden gray and burdened with rain. And above all those clouds is our true nature - our mind, which is like the crystal-blue sky - a space that expands and in its benevolent wisdom can allow all those thoughts to appear and disappear.

And now, why am I writing about a flower that has stopped being a flower and about thoughts - floating clouds? The reason is both simple and complex at the same time - many of us, and I firmly assert this for myself, want to be that sky - space, vastness, potential. I want to feel the flower, to experience it instead of putting it into noun formaldehyde and placing it on the shelf of a certain word service in a sentence. Somewhere in the midst of my brainstorming about the nature of experience, about what it means to be a human being, about how much I am worth and whether I am, the beginning of the year happened. As sports commentators might vividly say, let's say that the year 2023 started 'strong and without purpose.' Circumstances were such as arranged by the wisdom of the Universe, and my timid pride interpreted them as it best knew and could. Sometimes to my advantage, and sometimes to my detriment - it depended on whether I woke up on a certain day and 'tuned' into the vibration of ease or sank to the depths with the weights of judgment and worries.

What was most challenging for me? The lack of internal order. The space of inner silence and the inability to see both others and different perspectives. I was missing the 'dive' into the space between the clouds - the only space of tranquility and clarity that no one can give or take away from us. It's always there; we just need to learn to look, to observe and allow - not to interpret and not to attach, but to allow.

So, in one moment of these internal upheavals and questions, I received an invitation to attend and participate in an unusual 'retreat.' Retreat implies several days of leaving one's own home, familiar stress, and ingrained habits to dedicate ourselves to one of hundreds of different practices, techniques, or tools that can, but don't have to, connect us with parts of ourselves we've forgotten, get to know our own nature better, or provide a period of big and small insights that will shape our lives. In any case, as many people there are, that’s how many ways of 'retreating' there are, so depending on who organizes the retreat, you can go into nature, stay silent and meditate for a few days, or practice yoga and gather medicinal herbs. When I first talked about the program designed by Daniela Miljan and Tatjana Krizmanić, even the name alone was enough for a mental bell to ring for a short break - Terra Magica Immersion Experience. A seven-day retreat on the magical island of Sveta Katarina across from the pearl of Istria - Rovinj. In the official description, it's stated that the idea for this retreat arose from Tatjana Krizmanić's deep belief that art can be an innovative and prominent way to reach our boundless inner spaces, as well as Daniela's need to infuse her everyday life with a creative expression that could spill over into all areas of life. Well, there was another bell ringing for a big break - is this 'dive' really what the wisdom of the crystal-clear sky prescribes for all of us burdened with content, interpretations, chronic stresses, and for all of us seeking the experience of pure, peaceful, and quiet joy? Several months have passed since our initial introduction, and finally, the kind month of June - the month of my birth - gently took me by the hand and led me by minibus to a city that you only need to visit once for it to forever course through your veins - to Rovinj. There, on a small pier where we wait for the boat to Sveta Katarina, the third bell rang - the one that marked the end of the school year, the end of lessons, and the end of searching for meaning. The time had come to 'dive in' - to be and to feel."

"Concept, context, and why a brush is an extended thought flowing onto canvas.”

Although I have some connection to art in the sense of formal education in the Department of Art History, the fact is that I have never drawn, let alone painted. I know a bit about painting techniques, styles, and eras, but I can't sketch a flower or paint clouds in the sky above the city.

First of all, it's important to know how this year's Terra Magica Immersion Experience retreat was conceived. So, let's start with the concept. During seven days on the island of Sveta Katarina, morning meditations take place in the grand hall of the castle built by Count Ignacije Korvin Milevski at the beginning of the century, led by Valerie Lorig. After that, through voice and movement exercises, Corinne Castelli guides the group, and then the baton, or in this case, the brush, is taken over by Tatjana Krizmanić, who leads us through painting workshops for the next several hours. These were our three pillars - a structure that provided all participants with the necessary support to find their voice, their color, their style, and themselves over the course of seven days.

These three segments or aspects of 'working on oneself' were organically intertwined, and together they gave content, purpose, and meaning to the entire experience. After a few weeks have passed since the journey into 'crazy wisdom,' creating through being, it's clear that each aspect was necessary for the participants to receive the gifts of their own talent. By this, I don't just mean a talent for painting, but a talent for observing, a talent to recognize the true nature of things, a talent to look and see - the ability to experience oneself.

Meditation - the path of listening to empty space

Most mornings, the international group gathered in the grand ballrom for our meditation session. The majority of the group consisted of experienced meditators in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, while for me, this form of objectless and anchorless meditation was a new experience. Valerie Lorig, a psychotherapist and counselor, guided the participants through the daily practice. Valerie was one of the key figures in establishing and developing Naropa University in 1974, and for decades, Valerie has been a meditation teacher in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. One of the key figures that reverberated through many conversations was the spiritual teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, who was pivotal in conveying the proper understanding of Buddhist philosophy and practices in the West. Chögyam Trungpa came to America after the occupation of Tibet, through India and Scotland, settling in the small town of Boulder, Colorado, where he planted the seeds of understanding that we experienced during the seven days of the Terra Magica experience. Apart from the usual benefits of daily meditation, the practice led by Valerie Lorig was a particularly refreshing experience and a window into the nature of the mind. Seated meditation, conducted without an object, without focusing on breath or the flame of a candle, without a mantra or any mental anchor, is done with slightly open eyes. The goal isn't to shut out the world around us and engage in an endless pursuit of some elusive feeling of bliss. The practices, psychology, and philosophy of Tibetan Buddhism are infinitely complex, nuanced, and delicate. Thus, it's not feasible for me to delve into them through my personal experience shared in these pages. But I can share my impression and the aftermath. I had the sensation that every day I was polishing that freshly mined diamond of the mind little by little. Fully aware of my body, the sensations on my skin and in the air, the sounds of seagulls and footsteps on cobblestone paths, the scents wafting in through windows, and the sharp sun's rays scorching my left cheek... My thoughts were like wild horses in a meadow - they couldn't be tamed, ridden, or domesticated. They either pulled me into the past or stretched me into some imagined future. And then, following the guidance of the experienced Valerie, I simply noticed and let go. I didn't race through the landscapes of the mind seeking silence - I just calmly waited for silence to come to me. Those fleeting and precious moments when I saw the space between the clouds. Silence, relaxation, and the art of observing inner landscapes were precious for further exploring our potentials and possibilities for creative expression.

Movement, Voice, and Body

Besides the obvious benefits that the physical environment itself had on me, and I would say on all participants, every day we also had sessions with Corinne Castelli, who led us on a journey through the body and into the body with the voice. Corinne employs several methods in her work with people, including the Lichtenberger Method for Applied Psychology of the Voice, Body Mind Centering, and Somatic Experiencing. These endlessly enjoyable sessions brought all kinds of joy to us because they opened us up to explore the boundless potentials of our own bodies, voices, and to return to a state of childlike joy. Being present in one's own body seems to be a default setting from birth. However, the complexity of everyday life, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, and illusions we have about ourselves and others, as well as worries and fears, continuously and fundamentally distance us from the simplicity of being present in our bodies. Anyone who has tried one of the many body-mind disciplines knows that our true embodiment can have a truly rich spectrum of benefits in our lives - from family to work, everything we do, we do with our bodies. And when we're aware in that presence, new dimensions open up to us.

The Canvas Awaits its Colors

While on the island tourists raced to tame the lush nature of Sveta Katarina, to stylize the lush greenery, and to cover wild rocks with soft pebbles, making it easier for the few remaining soft soles to enter the healing waters of the Adriatic Sea - our group joyfully explored scenes, images, frames, fragments of reality, and with Tatjana Krizmanić's gentle and wise guidance, each of us slowly searched for our motivation for the painting each one of us would create. On the first and second days, we brought our sketchbooks with us and each of us attempted to convey what we saw and how we saw it on paper using techniques that suited us. It's important to add that this retreat was conceived, and fully realized, as a space in which both absolute beginners and experienced artists could feel comfortable and liberated. The timing, location, instructors, teachers, and participants all fostered a sense of naturalness and freedom in each other, so that after just a few hours of being together, you felt like a part of a group that had known and supported each other for years. Tatjana is an artist who didn't attempt to teach us the academic secrets of visual arts; instead, she primarily encouraged us to allow our hands to move and dance on the canvas. Day by day, she led us through a process of not just painting but also observing. This is one of the strongest impacts for me - the ability or skill to see everything around me, including myself, in a different way. The unique approach in the workshops and her almost infectious passion for art were key to our enthusiasm and willingness to be courageous.  Still, as gentle as a teacher as Tatjana is, she is also an unrelenting force of creative energy that engaged all the creative muscles of our group to work diligently, tirelessly, and toward a common goal - the collective exhibition on the sixth evening. So, whoever was afraid, hesitated, thought they weren't good enough, had two or three days to ponder, but whatever our experiences were, at one point, we all walked the same path toward the same goal, each with our energy and beauty. I must immediately emphasize that what was most fascinating for me was not just the outcome of each of us but the process we all went through to transfer the image to the canvas. The process of thinking, hesitating for a long time to sketch with a pencil, but then surprising and bold courage to start with color right after a light sketch - all of this revealed a lot to me about certain internal processes that have guided me throughout my life. It's not about whether my strategy is good or bad, fast or slow, efficient or inefficient - the point is that it's conscious, and as such, I can now use it to its full potential or change it.

The Sixth Day and How I Learned to Be a Flower

Why did the Terra Magica Immersion Experience retreat have such a strong impact on me? Again, as with many things mentioned in this text, the explanation is both simple and complex. This is a singularly unique workshop, and it's unlikely you'll encounter teachers like the ones gathered during these seven days in June. Then there are the carefully selected environment and terrain familiar to both Daniela and Tatjana, so we couldn't have imagined better guides through the magic of Istria and Rovinj. The schedule, timing, concept - every piece was carefully shaped and polished to perfection, and like all perfection born of a clear vision and ease, it was unobtrusive and motivating for all of us. And so, from Sunday to Saturday, we participants were completely intoxicated by beauty, ease, and joy, yet deeply immersed in the contemplative qualities of each day and experience. On the sixth day, an exhibition of the participants' works was arranged - our paintings, sketches, and even palettes with colors were ceremoniously arranged on the dignified walls of the old grand ballroom and on easels where some of us worked tirelessly until the time indicated on the invitation. After six days of deep connection and work, it was fantastic to see all our works in one place. Art is a way to establish a relationship with oneself and the world around us. For art, we need a space where we can relax and find that sacred space of artistic creation - precisely the space in accordance with the principles of dharma of art that we participants received during the Terra Magica Immersion retreat. The opportunity to look at a flower and truly see and feel it - to become the flower."